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Bull-Headed

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2011

One of my my mom's favorite stories of me growing up is when we lived in a duplex in Cicero, during the first three years of my life. My grandparents lived on the lower level, and my family on the upper. Our laundry room was in the basement. Doing laundry in my two-year-old terminology was "Doing the dirty," or "doo-win da durdee" (however you would impersonate a toddler to say that).

One week, my grandma had gone away on vacation, so her car remained outside. As I peered out the window, I expressed to my mom that I wanted to visit her. My mom insisted that she wasn't home, but I shot back that she was indeed home (her car was there!) and that I was going down to visit.

"Fine," my mother said. "You go check that out for yourself."

I don't have an actual memory of this instance, but my mom said I came back within 10 minutes where she asked me, "So, was Grandma down there?" And I replied, "Oh yeah. She was doo-win da durdee..."

Two decades have passed, and while I have gotten better at admitting when I am wrong, I never shook off that initial desire to find things out for myself. Someone can tell me all about the cons of something, but if it's something I seek to discover, I trust no one's perspective. I have to see it to believe it, and only I can decipher if something is worthy, or not.

Most of the time, it's good learning experiences, but every once in a while, it's just a flat-out mistake. I try not to dwell on things because essentially, "we grow from mistakes" (aka blah, blah, I get it), but dammit. Some things just should have been left alone. Easy for me to say now that I know and have made that assessment on my own.

Not even sure why Im blogging. It's just funny how a premise to one's personality can be set that early in life. It's not going to change; it's me. Regret is something I try to avoid and instead, I try to work through and make sense of a situation. But I think my specific occurrence that is happening right now will never have closure. I made a wrong choice. And I can't stop kicking myself. Dammit.


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