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I'm Old

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2018

My birthday is less than a month away, and it's crazy to me that I will be more than halfway finished with my 30s, a.k.a. the BEST DECADE to be alive!

I remember when I was about to turn 30, I was a little down because I perceived it as officially "being old." I've always had a bit of a Peter Pan Complex, and up until that point, had done a pretty good job of avoiding any major responsibilities. I had a few friends that were already in their 30s, and they reassured me that it was THE BEST.

They were/are right.

Over Thanksgiving, I had mentioned to my mother-in-nonlaw how I was enjoying this set of years, and she was surprised that I thought that since, well, two years of my 30s had been sad, grieving, and stressful. At 36 years old, that accounts for 33.333̅3̅% of my 30s-time, thus far.

♫ "3 oh, it's the magic number..." ♫

Backstory as to why this hasn't affected my attitude:
12 years ago, I had the worst year. Everything was going wrong to the point where I could barely eat, and even when I did, I became so nauseated that I couldn't keep anything down. This primarily occurred over the summer, and I remember being able to slide my jeans on/off without having to unzip them.

By the end of that summer, however, I had an epiphany. I realized that I was expecting bad things to happen, so, of course, everything seemed negative. Even things that were not that big of a deal were dramatically exaggerated from my point of view, because of the dark outlook.

I became motivated to use this as an opportunity. It was up to me to crawl out of the hole, and stop concentrating on trying to control my environment. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and stopped perceiving myself as a victim to life. Instead, I began thinking about what I can do to become a wiser, more skilled, compassionate and, overall, a better person. I was ready to fight any "bad stuff" instead of allowing it to weigh me down.

Ironically, when I let go of everything, I felt completely in control. I recognized that things will not always go the way I want them to. So when they inevitably went wrong, I was like, "Oh, cool, another challenge."

When obstacles occur, they are temporary. No matter if they are small or big, they are inconvenient, stressful, and frustrating. They require brainpower, rational emotion management, and sometimes physical effort to eventually overcome them. When all is said is done, these hurdles assisted in my goals to become wiser, skilled, compassionate... better. So, yes: I now WELCOMED fucked up shit to happen to me.

Then the bad stuff went away. Or, they stayed the same, but I was oblivious to them with my new "I can do anything" attitude. I am happy that, at 23 years old, I became acquainted with the Law of Attraction. I am happy that my 2006 was unfavorable enough to lead me to that awareness. There are many people that are much older and it's obvious that they still require that realization. Or something similar to halt and overcome the perpetuated drama.

Sidenote: I want to be clear that I recognize that this is not a solution for anyone battling a mental illness. With the information that is available today, there *should* be enough awareness and understanding to comprehend that rainbows and sunshine are not going to help someone that is suffering from brain and body chemical imbalances. Or those who self-medicate with an addiction that overtakes their life.

And a disclaimer that I didn't solve all of my life problems with this one epiphany. In fact, just three years later, I wasted a large portion of my 2009 because I was so obsessed with logic and constantly trying to outthink my conflicts. It was to a point where I was having a sort of "out-of-body" experience in a sense as if I was a narrator to my own life. "Lauren is swimming now, but she's not having fun. Why?" I was thinking so hard about living a good life. Luckily, I realized to tell myself to shut the fuck up, because this was another form of trying to control my world again. I progressively snapped out of it.

So, even with the big chunk of stress that occurred from 33-35 years, I was still handling it, on a level of mental and emotional stability. I eventually became exhausted, but I didn't get caught in a sinkhole of depression. My logic through it all was that "This Too Shall Pass," and I took it one day at a time.

It did pass, and so did all 6 years (I'm including age 30)! Again, I cannot believe I'm going to be 36. I certainly do not comprehend it, because when I meet people that are in their 40s, I analyze in the moment: "Oh they're older." Then I realize that I'm right behind them. I forget where I'm at in the age game. But lately, I've had some reminders to help me along.

I certainly aged during that time of stress. When it was all over, I noticed more gray hairs and weight around my eyes. Weight, in general. I'm downing smoothies, and running the stairs at Swallow Cliff, and it doesn't counteract the beer, like it would have 10 years ago. I exfoliate and moisture my face, and still wake up looking like the Crypt Keeper. 10 years ago I would have been a glowing cherub of light. I can go on, but I won't. I know this is part of life, and I accept it. It's a buzzkill to make a laundry list of how I'm decaying.

I mean, we're all decaying. I've always attributed the classic elderly smell to that. It's decay!

This past week, my eyes have been extremely tired-looking, and over the past few days, I went to the max with self-care. Low and behold, I have found some success in reversing the appearance, and now I have become motivated to see what else I can do to try for my outer health.

I like when I have these random impulsions near the end of the year, because I can transform it into a resolution for the following year. I try to make changes and resolutions at any point of the year, but I've always liked the push that comes with the dawn of the New Year.

For one of my 2019 resolutions,  I'm going to start caring more for my outer health. Some of it is vanity, but more of it is for health. Which means I need to take care of my organs with better food. And for a second resolution, I want to stop thinking, "I'm Old." This blog title will be the last time I write it. Well, that previous sentence will be. And hopefully I'm not going to think that way until I actually am old. What age would that be? Regardless, it's a blessing to say that I'm another year older. Because I'm alive. 36 years old, 55, 70... a lot cooler than being dead. Consequently, another resolution is that, after my birthday, if someone asks me how old I am, I am going to respond with, "I'm 36 years not dead!"

One section of my blog/website is my holistic methods to care for my health, both internally and outwardly. I have deterred from this lifestyle a bit, and I'm feeling really excited to start some new things this month, and to enter 2019 with some new discoveries. Because that means new content for this website blog that I never tend to!

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