TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2009
At the risk of sounding melancholy, pessimistic, or just plain depressed, I would still like to say,
FUCK YOU, 2009!
Ah, much better.
It's ironic because I left 2008 knowing that the year that laid ahead was going to be a GREAT one. Not because I had some wonderful plans, but because I was setting myself in that mentality. I was going to MAKE this the best year. I decided that I was going to be more like the movie, "Yes Man," and try a bunch of new things and be very social. But I truly got tested, and I am disappointed to report that I failed said test.
Ever since my teens, I've always had a developed mentality that "things will work out." I know that you can't control most things, and not everything is going to be smooth-sailing. Terrible experiences and situations will be a mere memory when you're old and look back on your entire journey of life. So, why dwell on something that isn't going to be a big deal in the future?
Due to this, I have led a relatively stress-free lifestyle. Years have passed and, sure enough, things have been wonderful. I don't want to sound like I'm gloating, or even that I'm condescending, but I feel that I am a rarity when it comes to this peaceful acceptance.
When you work in a bar, you see a lot of situations and how people react. It's a people-watchers dream. You may think that I am referring to the stereotypical, problem-filled drama crowd that frequent the bars. But they are not the only people with problems, or a clouded outlook on life. I see everyone from the college student, to the retiree that have no idea how to let go and/or manage issues. So, every time I see someone upset over an insignificant occurrence, I feel really lucky that I was able to find this mentioned awareness so early in life.
A side note: I realize that it's easy for me to say, "No Big Deal," when I'm not the one going through the mentioned "insignificant occurrence." To elaborate, the specific problems that I have in mind are situations which can ultimately be solved by letting go of your pride and getting over yourself. When it comes to more serious problems that are related to family, finance, work, etc., I am compassionate towards the worry and inconvenience it causes. But even with those, proper organization and a will to take the necessary steps to solve or cope, will eliminate it from your life or help you deal with it in a more healthy manner. And once again, be a drop in the bucket of life.
With that back-story complete, I can get into why I have failed 2009:
I made my "Yes Man" resolution in November '08. I don't force myself into resolutions at the beginning of the year-- I make resolutions whenever I have an epiphany to change something. It just so happened that the end of 2008 was approaching, so I just labeled it a '2009 Resolution.' I was pumped to rock my own world with the best year ever. That's when shit started to hit the fan.
Without getting into too much detail, my mom was incredibly sick from 10 months of chemo, when my brother totaled her car. I was feeling so bad; she had a bunch of bills since she wasn't able to work and now she didn't have a car. And let's not even get into the new insurance rates. Then, a couple months later, I am am driving home from my bowling league and this girl erratically books it out of a shopping plaza and hit the front side of my car-- enough to total it. I was so devastated; it was the first new car that I ever bought and I took such good care of it. After that, I felt like something was missing; I didn't feel complete. It wasn't the car-- it was something inside me (sorry so corny, but the words are perfect).
The girl's insurance provided me a generous check (thanks State Farm), so I upgraded to a convertible that was also very compatible for Chicago's winters (auto-start, heated seats). I still have to make payments, but it was a very fortunate find, and I felt I should treat myself. But it didn't make me feel any better.
I went to Jamaica in March, and although I had a great time, part of me felt like I was watching myself snorkel, cliff-jump, and O.D. on tropical drinks.
Summer rolled around, and anyone here in Chicago will agree that this was one of the LAMEST summers in the history of the world. OK, maybe not that bad, but it was pretty awful. Mainly due to the weather, but also: there was just not much going on. Boring. The gloominess just added to my incomplete feeling.
The economy sucks, and the bars aren't as busy as they could be. I started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't have treated myself to the upgraded car. I began to look for office work, but had no luck finding anything. I got a couple bites, but they were dead ends. Blah.
I continued to have this 3rd person perspective of myself throughout the year. I sweated the small stuff. Every time something bad happened, I figured, "Of course!" I felt doomed. I was being punished. All those years of thinking I was invincible; I was really getting put in my place now. The harder I tried to make myself feel right, the more I realized that something was off. Not with my life. Things were [naturally] working themselves out: my grandma bought my mom a used car and my cousin fixed it up, she got off the chemo and was feeling 10x better, we consolidated all bills into an easy payment for her, my brother is fine, and I tremendously enjoyed the option of taking the top down on my car (when it was actually nice outside).
So, what the hell? Hello! Why didn't I feel like LaLa? I concentrated as hard as I could on what I could do to get back to feeling peace. Don't get me wrong: I wasn't walking around, crying and moping; I wasn't miserable. I just wasn't 100% me.
Just a couple weeks ago, I was trying to make a big decision for myself, and the stress of not knowing what to do was physically effecting me. When someones says they have a weight on their shoulders, it's true. And if anyone knows what causes this, I would be really interested to learn. Then, my friend tells me to "go with your gut."
And it clicks. Not immediately. It definitely stood out to me. But as I was actually going with my gut, I realized it: just go with the flow! All year, I was trying to make myself feel with my mind!
While logic contributes to the overall realization of knowing that bad situations are nothing compared to the big picture, you can't over-think! But I'm not saying that everything is heart: too much emotion can put you in a out-of-control state very easily (crazy ladies, that's directed at you). It's an awareness that you can't control everything: take it as it comes, deal with it properly, don't take it personally, and know that as you live your life and encounter a similar situation, you will be knowledgeable on what to do. I'M BACK, BABY!
I feel so relieved. I feel "me" again! I can't believe that I lost this precious mindset for a year. FAIL. I guess it had to happen, though: so I would have this great realization and prevent it from happening again. It's like my 2006-- a good portion of that year was bad for me as well, but the knowledge I gained from overcoming the hurt is invaluable. Having bad experiences will always lead to a more rounded mind. That is, if you choose to reflect on yourself and learn.
Goodbye 2009. Get the hell out; it was nice knowing ya! Let's get into the double-digits of the 2000 years. I'm not going to make 2010 a great year. Maybe it will be. Maybe it won't. It'll just be another 365 days of observations, adventures, and other life contributions.
I have a couple potential jobs that will not only be good for income, but it will be doing what I LOVE. And I auditioned for another job this week, that I think went well. Oh! AND I am doing a fun sports pilot. All of these jobs would start in 2010, and I am so ready. Bring it.
And if I don't get them? Meh. It's not meant to be. And that's totally cool.