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Time To Write

MONDAY, APRIL 25, 2011

I have always been a writer; keeping diaries since I was 12, or so. It has always been therapeutic for me to document my thoughts and life, and has been the primary reason that I have such a strong, vivid memory for something that took place 2 years, 4 months, and 6 days ago. I hope that when I am old, I will have a library with my "memoirs," like Hugh Hefner. I strongly believe that the guy is on top of his game due to his detailed life-documenting.

Anywho, as years went on, I wrote less and less. It was something I would do in my free time, but that time was slowly replaced with more and more internet consumption. When I modeled back in the day, I was on a handful of portfolio websites, and eventually created my own forum and corresponding website to network with other models, photographers, makeup artists, etc. Then MySpace came along, and then FaceBook, and then Twitter, and then a blowup of so many social media websites, that now there are actually classes you can take to learn how to properly utilize them for your business and whatnot. Hours easily pass on the internet.

I have a box with my past notebooks, but my current journal is a gigantic notebook within a binder: "THE BOOK." My life. The first entry is in summer of 2006. There is no reason that, after five years, this notebook shouldn't be boxed away with the others, and at least one new one started. Shame on me, but I am paying for it.

The past year and a half of my my life is very fuzzy. I have been stressed, an emotion that normally does not frequent me. I have been all over the place in my personal organization. Overall, I just haven't been myself. And because of that, I have not been the happiest. I feel I haven't been living.

Of course, this is not all because I haven't written a diary. I have had some major personal stuff go down that I don't care to share on this internet blog right now. Because, although it contributes to my situation, it is a TMI tangent that will comprise an entire entry of it's own, and is just not necessary right now. Especially because I am going off on a tangent in a couple paragraphs. Basically, I wasn't the happiest because I had to learn to manage my personal relationships, due to being blessed with awesome opportunities over this past year. I did write another entry about this. It was new territory for me, and I really let people down. Things truly got out of control. Which, in turn, ran a toll on me.

Fortunately, the opportunities for me have not slowed down; I have been consistently busy. Especially these past couple weeks: today has been my first full day off in 16 days. I've had a lot of late nights, followed by early mornings, and I have to give myself a pat on the back for having an unbelievable stamina. Right now, looking at my planner, things seem like they may free up, but that is always subject to change. I do have some cool things coming up, which I will reserve for other entries. However, I can't help but wonder how long it will last.

I've been telling myself that I am going to throw in the towel when I hit 30. If I haven't landed something solid by then, where I can finally say, "Hello, I'm Lauren and I work for [this company] as a [broadcasting position]," it's time to stop chasing the dream.

Those who encourage me will probably read that and want to say something along the lines that I should keep reaching for the stars if it's what I love and yada yada. But let's get realistic. This is a competitive industry. There are 100's of beautiful girls vying for the same jobs as me, in Chicago alone. Next, I'm "old." 30 is not far away and although I am still young for this world, I find myself saying my age, shortly followed by a disclaimer that I don't look it.

And I don't even have a degree in broadcasting/communications. So, I'm already behind in the game. Not to mention income. I know that a lot of people are looking for work, and are worse off than me. But, in relation to this hosting topic: I am broke! (Primarily due to the TMI tangent that I mentioned earlier.) Driving to auditions/gigs, parking, train tickets, etc. all adds up. And while I have been busy, everything has been random (meaning a bunch of 1-2 day, unrelated projects) and it's not like I command a high rate at this point. How long can I do it before I can say, "FAIL?"

I got my first taste of hosting in 2004. I was also acting and modeling at the time (started that a couple years earlier), and eventually got overwhelmed in 2006. Just so much ass-kissing, time input, do-this-do-that, and no reward. Acting, modeling, broadcasting... it's all the same. That's just how it is. But I had it in 2006, and left everything to bartend in the 'burbs. But I couldn't stay away from hosting. I missed it so much. So, speaking from a position where I have left and came crawling back, I know that I can keep doing all the bullshit for as long as I need to. And even if I don't make it, I will enjoy the ride. But unless I marry a Sox player or a sugar daddy, I won't be able to do this. :P ;)
(And by the way, this is not an invite for creepy emails from dudes saying that they will "take care of me." I am very independent and have always been able to provide for myself.)

I've been seeking office work to create some much-needed structure in my life. I also still bartend, but I never can rely on that to determine my income. Too many variables effect the night and what I will make. It doesn't contribute to the structure that I'm seeking, plus I want to steer away from relying on people's generosity. With a little bit of patience, and a lot of luck, I just started at a new office place last week and, so far, so good. I spent the past week on Word, organizing a large file. And it got me motivated work on my own computer. I just got around to doing this today, due to my busy schedule, and I feel good. Really good, actually. And then I unearthed THE BOOK. I re-read some of my old writing. A lot has changed since my last entry of DECEMBER 7, 2009! I had to double-check the entry written before that, to make sure I didn't scribble down the wrong date. Nope. I haven't written in almost a year and a half. Terrible.

A year and a half. Hmmmmm. Thinking to myself and what has gone down since then, saddened me. Although I have been so fortunate and so happy with the opportunities I have had, it is all so blurry. When you're thinking of a memory, there is a sort of "crispness" to it. You can imagine what you were feeling, the colors for the most part, you re-live it. Although I remember 2010, I can't re-live most of it. That's what makes me sad. But the disappointment I have from that serves as a motivator to change, so that it does not happen again. So much makes sense to me now: the stress, the feeling of being "lost." THE BOOK is my life. And I wasn't tending to it.

In addition to writing again, I am also going to update this blog more. I think I have repeated that statement 4-5 times throughout various entries here, but this is a new situation. Now that I have the office job, my schedule is going to be way more structured. From here on out, most of my gigs will take place in the evening or weekends, even though I am very lucky that my boss is understanding with my industry pursuits. The base is going to do wonders for me, and I am feeling really good about things to come.

It's unbelievable that I went as long as I did before I realized something was missing. If you also write, you will be able to relate to how powerful and how much of an impact writing (or not writing) can have. And if you don't write, I hope that you do have something that you enjoy and serves as a form of therapy for you. If you know what that something is, do not neglect it.


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