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Condiments

I get it.

Ranch tastes good, A-1 Sauce tastes good, so on, so forth.
But what’s the point of going out to a restaurant and paying a bunch of money, just to smother your food in bullshit? So many people RUIN their food, put money down the drain, and tack on pointless calories, all because they want to taste these condiments. I just don’t understand the logic.

You can literally take a plate of turds, pour bleu cheese dressing on them, and it will taste like...

BLEU CHEESE.

OK, maybe a bit of an exaggeration. Or maybe not. But it DOES completely overpower the quality of the food.

Back in the day, I waitressed at Hooters for 3 years.
Can I get another ranch/bleu cheese?" was something I’d hear countless times per shift. People would take their piece of chicken, and pretty much drown the entire thing with dressing. At what point are you eating chicken wings, and at what point are you just drinking dressing? They're already covered in sauce! Can you even taste the chicken, when they have an inch-thick layer of dressing?


These are no longer buffalo wings. It is ranch soup with chicken. Terrible.

Taste aside, they lean towards a more expensive rate for a plate of wings. Each of those dressing containers cost extra. At the end of the day, one has paid $30 for a small plate of wings, which is really just a belly full of dressing and a potential clogged artery.

Do I really give a fuck on what people want to eat, how they treat their body, or what items they want to spend their own money? Of course not. But what chafes my butthole, is that it shows that there is not any thought or appreciation given to perfectly fine food. Before even tasting what is in front of them, they automatically start adding shit to it. It’s like a drone move.

Let’s move away from the Hooters visual, as this doesn't classify as quality food. Let’s talk about a fine steak. Once a plate has been placed, do you, or anyone you know, begin salting/peppering it, or looking for some sort of sauce to throw on it, before a bite has been taken? Where’s the thought process?! If it was made well, it has already been rubbed or seasoned to a point where NOTHING ELSE is needed. Slow the fuck down, cut off a piece, and appreciate the taste. Without anything else.


Noooooooooooooooooooo! This cow died so you can drink A-1.

Do not let the title mislead the rant. Again, it's not the condiment; it is the lack of thought. Because sometimes, a little bit of a condiment will indeed enhance the food. An aioli or emulsion can tie together ingredients. If the ratio of food-to-condiment is balanced to more food than condiment, then you’re doing it right. Just a little extra flavor, just a little somethin-somethin, to compliment the course.

There's a difference, and to contrast, all you have to do stop reaching for the bottle/jar/shaker before the food is tasted. Stop, taste, THINK. Then maybe apply a little bit of sauce or seasoning with the purpose to elevate the actual dish, not smother it. Please use that big brain in which we’ve been blessed.