Getting Over Your Ex

You’ve been dumped, and whether you’re successfully executing no contact, or not, you find yourself obsessed with strategizing on to try to win them back.

You may be reverting to astrology, looking at dating coaches websites, reading psychology articles, and ruminating past conversations and moments from the relationship. 

“What could I do different? 

“If I could only prove to them that how much I love them, surely they’ll want me back.”

If this is ringing a bell, go Look in the mirror, look deeply into your own eyes, and say “WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?”

I’m not here to tell you to stop doing this, or to tell you to suppress these feelings and actions. My intention is to provide you with things to think about for yourself, and perhaps spark something inside of you that you can adopt into your healing journey.

Obviously, you’re heartbroken. You’re grieving. And continue to do that without judging your feelings. And there’s a good chance that this breakup came as a shock; you’re weren’t expecting to get dumped. 

It is quite ok to wonder what went wrong? And how could this person, that said how much they loved me, this person that we shared deep secrets with each other, this person that was my best friend… how could they just leave? It just can’t be right!

Such intimacy was shared, and your dumper, unless you did something horrendous to them or the relationship, more than likely does have love for you. What happened is attraction dropped.

There are different types of attraction, these are but these are some “popular” ones:

Aesthetic: you like what they look like.

Intellectual: brains! You're attracted to their intelligence.

Emotional: your are attracted because you were able to bond via feelings.

Sexual: this one goes without saying: you want to touch genitals.

I highly encourage to Google the different types of attraction and understand them. Because this will help with you understanding yourself; what you like and don’t like.

It’s possible your dumper was fully attracted to you in one category, but was absent in a couple others.

In any event, it is not your job to figure out what went wrong, and what that person needs now. I realize your suffering from this loss, and you want to do anything you can get that “safety” back. But the person made a decision, and it probably wasn’t a decision that was made overnight.

More than likely, because they love you, they tried to make it work. But… a lot of people SUCK at communicating. They may have been scared to tell you what they were feeling, because they didn’t want to hurt you. Or maybe they thought it was temporary, and they figured it would just go away or work itself out. Maybe they have depression and just couldn’t face it. Again, it’s not your job to understand what went wrong.

But I’m mentioning this, because the breakup doesn’t necessarily mean that things are over forever. People get back together all the time. But if you do get back together in the future, in order for it to work that next time around, both of you are going to have to go through some changes, to start a brand new relationship. You do not want the same relationship because that didn’t work, duh.

And in order for both of you to actually go through some changes, time has to pass. They say it takes 40 days to make a break a habit? Now is the time to start figuring out what you like and what you don’t like. Love yourself and respect yourself. Understand what you deserve; raise your standards. 

You may discover, while you’re taking this time to remember who you are, that your ex is actually… not good enough. "They didn’t do this or that, they actually disrespected me a lot, but I was too blinded my Love (actually blinded by trauma) to see that. We weren’t a match after all!"

In conclusion, if you haven’t yet gone into no contact, start right now. Even if you have to frame it that you’re going into no contact, because you are going to put in the work so that you two could be together in the future, stronger than ever. That's fine. See how it plays out when you start upgrading yourself.

And if you are in no contact, but each day you’re been counting the days and obsessing over your dumper’s thoughts. Flip the script, and start obsessing with yourself.

Your job right now is take your power back, and stop giving energy and thought to someone else. Embrace yourself, and get ready to deep dive. This is going to be awesome.